"Tourist" by Richard F. Yates

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Tripty-248 thought he'd visit that little blue world he'd read about in ODDITIES OF THE GALAXY MAGAZINE. He'd been to that blazing hot methane world, and the world were rocks had developed intelligence and became the dominant species on the planet, and he'd even tried Comet Skiing (that ONE time … (read more)

Tripty-248 thought he'd visit that little blue world he'd read about in ODDITIES OF THE GALAXY MAGAZINE. He'd been to that blazing hot methane world, and the world were rocks had developed intelligence and became the dominant species on the planet, and he'd even tried Comet Skiing (that ONE time when he was really drunk... The leg DID eventually grow back, so don't worry... And now he has a cool scar!)

I mean how bad could a little planet covered mostly by hydrogen dioxide be?

After a mere two hours (Earth time), Tripty-248 had signaled for an emergency evac beam. His therapist believes he'll be out of the ward in about a year, and he might even be able to fully reintegrate with society within a century. In the meantime, Tripty sits in his room writing Doom Poems about what he saw on that one little blue planet, which his doctors SAY they are publishing for him---but they are actually archiving his poems under heavy ENCRYPTION against anyone accidentally reading his work, except those creatures who have been thoroughly trained in trauma liaison methods, for fear that the terrors Tripty is recounting may cause OTHER sentient creatures to lapse into severe depression or outright panic.

If Tripty-248 knew that the creatures on that little blue planet were, at this very moment, preparing several different extra-planetary exploration missions, and might SOME DAY even reach beyond their own solar system, he'd probably die from the shock. Measures to build a hyperloop-space-curvature-shield around that horrifying system, which will keep the residents trapped inside, are currently underway...

After his release, Tripty has vowed to stick to Comet Skiing, which he believes is far less dangerous than spending even a few moments with the horrifying creatures of Sol-3... Get well soon, Tripty-248. Get well soon...

---Richard F. Yates (Holy Python and Member of the Outer Space Tourist Advisory Board, A.A.C.)


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