"Mutey Patootie" by Richard F. Yates

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Description:

Mutey Patootie was semi-abstract---which wasn't an easy thing to be (especially at HIS age!) He was born inside the Trojan Nuclear Plant, which used to live next to the Columbia River, until it was blown up. (On purpose this time!) Mutey finished high school with unremarkable grades, then went on … (read more)

Mutey Patootie was semi-abstract---which wasn't an easy thing to be (especially at HIS age!) He was born inside the Trojan Nuclear Plant, which used to live next to the Columbia River, until it was blown up. (On purpose this time!) Mutey finished high school with unremarkable grades, then went on an unremarkable trip to find himself in Europe after finishing an unremarkable degree in Business Administration. (He THOUGHT he saw himself in a coffee shop in Brussels, but it ended up being a different semi-abstract, from Cleveland, instead. Nice fellow. Mutey's still not sure where HE might be, but he does still hope to find himself some day...)

Eventually, with a small inheritance he received from an old nuclear warhead uncle of his and a business loan from the State of Oregon, Mutey Patootie started an antique store in Broken Ankle Point (a small town at the corner of Columbia River and Oregon Coast, most well known for being the town where they filmed the GROSSIES, a heartwarming comedy from the '80s about growing up as a sewer monster in the Pacific Northwest...)

After leading a risky but ultimately successful expedition to dig up a lost warehouse full of Depression Glass near Spirit Lake in Washington (which was buried in the eruption of Mount St. Helens, back in 1980), Mutey made a fortune selling the weird colored bowls and teacups in his shop, and after growing his business for a few years (and adding his personal recipe peanut butter cookies to his store stock), he finally felt he'd become successful enough to marry his longtime partner, Esmeralda, a vintage carnival fortune-telling machine he met at a casino in Lincoln City, and they've lived, basically, happily ever after---although they've never been able to have children... (Mutey is infertile, of course, having been born in a nuclear plant and all...)

Still, if you're ever in Broken Ankle Point, and you're fond of Depression Glass, stop by Mutey Patootie's Antiques and Peanut Butter Cookie Emporium, and say "Hi" to the old semi-abstract... Tell him, the "Holy Fool" sent you!

---Richard F. Yates (Holy Fool)

[P.S. - Mutey Patootie is a digital drawing, AND he's the first of what will be an unnumbered series of "Crypto-Kicks-Cards!" (YES... I'm making more digital trading cards---because I've always loved trading cards, even if they're silly! If you like trading cards, too, then HIGH FIVE!!! And we'll see you in the funny papers...)]


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